So, you've decided to do a triathlon, but your closest experience with an endurance event is surviving Mardi Gras in Soulard? Wait a minute! Some maniac told you the events are comparable?
Well of course they are! Just like apples and oranges, cats and dogs, or Norwegian Death Metal and German Polka, a day of athleticism and a day of debaucherous revelry are two sides of the same coin. All you have to do is know how to look at each event...provided you can see straight by the end of the day...
The Swim - Your First Dive into the Tasty Liquid
You're starting with a cold, brisk morning no matter how you look at it. If you would join me at my place for a breakfast party on Mardi Gras, you're up at 6:00am to help prepare for the rest of the guests: starting the chili, icing the keg, and laying out jello shots. Go ahead and stick your head in the tub of ice surrounding the keg. That should give you an idea of what it's like to jump in for the start of a 7am swim in the Pacific Ocean (usually around 52 degrees Fahrenheit during March). Don't keep your head down there too long, though. The beer is probably still too warm to drink quite yet, but, lucky for you, there are plenty of jello shots in the next room. Go ahead; have one.
...
Why are you coughing? Oh? It sounds like you just said that your host put too much vodka in them and it's burning your throat. But that couldn't be the case! He's just preparing you for the type of choking that might happen when 1,000 other people swimming within a few feet of each other splash ocean water (probably full of urine...seriously, ask ANY triathlete) into their neighbor's mouth. Be thankful your host didn't kick you in the face!
Now, get yourself another shot. And grab some tissues while you're at it just in case you get too close to the people fighting you for a good position near the keg.
Transition 1 - Pace Yourself
This is relatively straight forward. You have a long day ahead of you, and you don't want to overdo it at the outset. Settle in and mix yourself a Bloody Mary as you prep yourself for a long ride. An Ironman athlete would usually use this time to lube up before sitting on a bike saddle for several hours. I don't suggest you do the same at Mardi Gras parties. Rather, use that (unlubed) hand to go around and make some new friends. Hey, maybe that crowd over in the corner doing keg stands will be fun to talk to...
The Bike - Gain Ground and Fuel Up
...Keg stands?? Really?? What did I JUST tell you about PACING yourself? All might not be lost. In a triathlon, the bike is a really good time to gain some ground on other competitors and take in some food and sports drinks to stay fueled up and hydrated throughout the long day. If you're at Mardi Gras, you should do the same thing!
Crack some jokes with your fellow riders, go enjoy some of that chili, see if there are any jello shots left, and continue to help yourself to some of that sweet, sweet nectar pouring from the keg. If it's liquid, it'll keep you hydrated, right? You want to do it now; it'll be tough to down anything in those solo cups once you start your run around on the streets.
Around this time after going up and down a few hills on a bike (or finding yourself in an endless loop between the bathroom and the keg), you might decide that it's a good idea to try something radical to change things up. Maybe throw on a high gear and sprint past the people in front of you. The party might be drawing to a close soon. Better chat up that cutie you've been playing cat and mouse with before you lose them in the crowd. Who knows? This could be your lucky day.
Transition 2 - It's a Balancing Act
Coming right off the bike in a triathlon, your knees might be a bit wobbly making it difficult to stand. No time like the present to relearn how to do the balancing act. Similarly, as you're preparing to leave your Mardi Gras party and explore the streets, you'll probably take a hurricane in one hand and a beer in the other. It's a smart decision. Since you were probably likely to spill one anyway, it'll be important to have a second on standby. But for heaven's sake, make sure you keep putting one foot in front of the other once you start walking around in the crowd. No one wants anybody bumping into them. If there aren't people around to catch you when you fall, then it's even more important to stay the course. The LAST thing you want is to tumble over onto road. For some reason, the police keeping the peace during this event get really touchy if you make a mess on the concrete.
The Run - My God, Please Just End this Now
Why are all of these people still doing this to themselves at this hour? Look at that guy on the curb. Is he alive or just napping? Wait! No! Don't puke on him just to find out. Aim for the gutter; they can just hose that down.
If you haven't fallen over and broken yourself, then all you have to do is make it safely to the finish line. Avoid making contact with any shady looking characters trying to get their kicks by messing around with someone as resilient and tired as you. You're better than that! Better than them!
Stop straying so far from the pack! Follow the person in front of you and don't take any drinks from someone you don't know. There's probably an aid station just a couple of blocks up; they'll take care of you (but they might overcharge you at Mardi Gras).
Are you still with me? I think I can see the finish line. It looks like all of our friends are there! Or, wait, were we following them or were they following us? Did we just do an unnecessary circle? I think it's going to be okay. Someone is leading you by the arm and taking your picture with a bright camera while they put some beaded/medal necklace or other around your neck. Hooray!
Epilogue - Victory in Perseverance...who threw all this crap on the streets and broke my window?
You made it!
Hey! Wake up! You did it; you're at the finish line! I know a nap seems like a good idea right now, but there's so much celebrating to be done still.
What's that? Most big triathlons take place on Sunday mornings and you just spent 14 hours of a Saturday drinking sugar, alcohol, and eating greasy food? Erggggg...
...Well, I didn't tell you to schedule the Mardi Gras party and the race back-to-back! That's just poor planning! Try to have a bit more foresight next time instead of letting someone lead you around by the nose. You've no one to blame but yourself (and maybe that jerk who kicked you in the face during your keg stand...I promise, we'll find him.)
Maybe a triathlon isn't the right decision for you. Might just be best to stick to Mardi Gras on its own next year. Either way, you're guaranteed to be sore the next morning.
* * * * * * * * *
Thank you all for reading! If you haven't done so already, please join the awesome group of people you see scrolling to the left and make a donation to Team Fox for Parkinson's Research Today!
Well of course they are! Just like apples and oranges, cats and dogs, or Norwegian Death Metal and German Polka, a day of athleticism and a day of debaucherous revelry are two sides of the same coin. All you have to do is know how to look at each event...provided you can see straight by the end of the day...
The Swim - Your First Dive into the Tasty Liquid
You're starting with a cold, brisk morning no matter how you look at it. If you would join me at my place for a breakfast party on Mardi Gras, you're up at 6:00am to help prepare for the rest of the guests: starting the chili, icing the keg, and laying out jello shots. Go ahead and stick your head in the tub of ice surrounding the keg. That should give you an idea of what it's like to jump in for the start of a 7am swim in the Pacific Ocean (usually around 52 degrees Fahrenheit during March). Don't keep your head down there too long, though. The beer is probably still too warm to drink quite yet, but, lucky for you, there are plenty of jello shots in the next room. Go ahead; have one.
...
Why are you coughing? Oh? It sounds like you just said that your host put too much vodka in them and it's burning your throat. But that couldn't be the case! He's just preparing you for the type of choking that might happen when 1,000 other people swimming within a few feet of each other splash ocean water (probably full of urine...seriously, ask ANY triathlete) into their neighbor's mouth. Be thankful your host didn't kick you in the face!
 |
| Really, EVERYONE pisses their wetsuit. This is just really good Photoshopping. |
Transition 1 - Pace Yourself
This is relatively straight forward. You have a long day ahead of you, and you don't want to overdo it at the outset. Settle in and mix yourself a Bloody Mary as you prep yourself for a long ride. An Ironman athlete would usually use this time to lube up before sitting on a bike saddle for several hours. I don't suggest you do the same at Mardi Gras parties. Rather, use that (unlubed) hand to go around and make some new friends. Hey, maybe that crowd over in the corner doing keg stands will be fun to talk to...
 | |
| Actually, that stiff one in the middle looks like he's had enough. |
The Bike - Gain Ground and Fuel Up
...Keg stands?? Really?? What did I JUST tell you about PACING yourself? All might not be lost. In a triathlon, the bike is a really good time to gain some ground on other competitors and take in some food and sports drinks to stay fueled up and hydrated throughout the long day. If you're at Mardi Gras, you should do the same thing!
Crack some jokes with your fellow riders, go enjoy some of that chili, see if there are any jello shots left, and continue to help yourself to some of that sweet, sweet nectar pouring from the keg. If it's liquid, it'll keep you hydrated, right? You want to do it now; it'll be tough to down anything in those solo cups once you start your run around on the streets.
Around this time after going up and down a few hills on a bike (or finding yourself in an endless loop between the bathroom and the keg), you might decide that it's a good idea to try something radical to change things up. Maybe throw on a high gear and sprint past the people in front of you. The party might be drawing to a close soon. Better chat up that cutie you've been playing cat and mouse with before you lose them in the crowd. Who knows? This could be your lucky day.
 |
| Why do you look so surprised? By this point in the day, nothing should shock you. |
Transition 2 - It's a Balancing Act
 |
| Do NOT use yoga as proof of sobriety. |
 |
| Officer, I can't tell you with any certainty if that is blood or hurricane on the ground. |
The Run - My God, Please Just End this Now
Why are all of these people still doing this to themselves at this hour? Look at that guy on the curb. Is he alive or just napping? Wait! No! Don't puke on him just to find out. Aim for the gutter; they can just hose that down.
If you haven't fallen over and broken yourself, then all you have to do is make it safely to the finish line. Avoid making contact with any shady looking characters trying to get their kicks by messing around with someone as resilient and tired as you. You're better than that! Better than them!
Stop straying so far from the pack! Follow the person in front of you and don't take any drinks from someone you don't know. There's probably an aid station just a couple of blocks up; they'll take care of you (but they might overcharge you at Mardi Gras).
 |
| Or bury you with their trash after taking your money. |
Epilogue - Victory in Perseverance...who threw all this crap on the streets and broke my window?
You made it!
Hey! Wake up! You did it; you're at the finish line! I know a nap seems like a good idea right now, but there's so much celebrating to be done still.
What's that? Most big triathlons take place on Sunday mornings and you just spent 14 hours of a Saturday drinking sugar, alcohol, and eating greasy food? Erggggg...
 |
| I'd tell you just to suck it up and drink some water...but that might not be the right call here. |
Maybe a triathlon isn't the right decision for you. Might just be best to stick to Mardi Gras on its own next year. Either way, you're guaranteed to be sore the next morning.
* * * * * * * * *
Thank you all for reading! If you haven't done so already, please join the awesome group of people you see scrolling to the left and make a donation to Team Fox for Parkinson's Research Today!
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